Dear Anita,
I'm trying to hook up with someone and can't figure out the texting rules. Help!
đ©
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I wish there was an easy answer about "textiquette"--the ins and outs of texting someone with whom you'd like to see, date, or be intimate. But most of us are bullish in our fumbling attempts:
I wish there was a handbook, and that we could all agree on the rules. Right... [cue studio laugh track]
People have written articles, like this one, on the "Dos and Don'ts of Texting Someone You Want to Date" or this one that lists the "10 Commandments of Dating Textiquette." That said, it's a tough one, trying to figure out how best to communicate. We doubt ourselves... Am I texting too much? Not enough? Adding too many details? Not providing enough information? Do I abbreviate or not? When do I text back? Can I send multiple texts? Or will someone think I'm a psycho after a triple text? There's a golden text to response ratio, right?
My recommendation would be to review the Texting Red Flags visual above. If any of these resonate, think about it. Painful, perhaps, but if she/he isn't into you, there will be signs. Pay attention to those signs. If you feel comfortable, chat with the person you're talking to and have a frank conversation. I mean, are you chasing? Is someone chasing you? Is it too much? As a friend wondered, is the text ratio indicative of an underlying fuck factor? He might be onto something there. And then there are those of us who check in with people because we care about them... or maybe we have trust issues... or maybe it's a little of both.
My best friend had this wisdom: "We are way too dependent on the immediate gratification of our phones. Sometimes we just need to put them down and walk away and be with ourselves and do for ourselves. Quit worrying about someone else when you're the most important person." Then she added that it's not a bad thing, playing a little hard to get. "It's fucking annoying," she said. "I ain't got time for these little stupid boy games." Yeah, there's a reason she's my bestie. And yes, girls play these kinds of ridiculous games too.
The point is, are you planning to be with a boy or a man? A girl or a woman? A unifawn or a full grown unicorn? Plug in your preference, and then set your sights and expectations accordingly.
At any rate, be up front. At the very least, clear communication makes things easier. Otherwise, you're left on read or leaving someone on read, and the waiting feels a lot like this:
Are you just busy?
Am I annoying you?
Do you not have the time because you're into someone new?
Are you waiting a prescribed number of days to respond?
If so, how many days am I waiting? What guide are you using and where can I get my copy?
Is this a generational thing?
If so, which generation? You seem kinda young to be part of the Silent Generation.
Are you just oblivious?
Did your cat die?
Were you abducted by aliens?
Good luck out there, lovers! Let me know if you stumble on the guide because I need an updated copy myself.
--AT đ
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