Dear Anita,
Edging. What is it?
Thank you,
--Mr. Curious and Sincere
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I’m glad you asked this question. A lot of men ask me what they might do for better endurance in the bedroom--to have stronger and longer staying power, so to speak. Before you jump to a pill, let me offer a more handy suggestion: Edging (also called peaking, surfing, holding, or teasing).
What is edging, exactly? Edging is a sexual practice that builds to the point of orgasm, and then holds at that very “edge.” You do this once or twice before tumbling over the metaphoric cliff and into sexual release. Edging is getting to the peak of climax and then holding on or backing off. I’m not talking about orgasm denial, not stopping the orgasm entirely, but rather delaying it--teasing your climax. If you’ve not heard of this practice, don’t worry. You have now, and you should try it.
Our friends at Urban Dictionary describe edging this way: “approaching the edge of sexual orgasm and withdrawing, usually several times, before finally achieving orgasm. Meant to intensify orgasm, and for men, volume of ejaculate and force of ejaculate. this applies to any sexual act and is not limited to masturbation.” When people edge, they get to the point right before they cum and hold off. Some suggest this can’t be done, that they just “have to cum” when they get that close. That simply is not true. Like many things, edging takes practice, time, and commitment. And it’s so worth it.
Most often edging is done by masturbating, but there are other ways to do it. You can also edge by digital or oral stimulation from a partner or from a sex toy. It can be a solo activity or part of foreplay between partners before intercourse. The key is to stop at the edge, to not cum at the first go. And like I said, this doesn’t have to be a hard stop, just a pause long enough to regain composure before beginning again.
Picture driving in a car. You approach a hill and apply more gas. Just as you are nearing the top of the hill, you take your foot off the pedal and coast to the top. If you were hiking the hill, this might be where you stop to catch your breath, take a moment to enjoy the panoramic view. If you were edging your car, you would either allow the car to idle at the top or after a few minutes time, you might even let it roll part way back down the hill. Do this at least once, perhaps two or three times, before letting the car cascade over the crest of the hill and down the other side. That’s edging.
Why edge? People edge for a number of reasons, and yes… people. Both men and women can edge their sexual climax or orgasm, not just the guys. Edging works for everybody. Penis owners and vagina owners alike can enjoy the benefits because the intensity of sexual release builds, regardless of equipment.
There are a number of reasons people edge, but a primary reason is that it builds intensity. It might seem counter-intuitive because you approach and delay, approach and delay. Not quite denial, but in a way it is. Edging is a denial of immediate satisfaction to build for a longer, more intense experience a little later.
Other reasons? Some penis owners report that edging builds volume of their ejaculate, the amount of semen that is released during orgasm. Others suggest that the force of ejaculation is stronger when edging--the ability to “shoot their shot” even further. These things may be true (greater orgasmic intensity, load, and force), but there is another reason to consider edging as a routine practice. Let me see if I can squeeze out a few more analogies (wink). Here we go...
Edging is like crossfit for your naughty bits. Now hear me out.
Like crossfit, edging is high intensity and benefits the practitioner in a number of ways. One of the most important features of edging is that it helps build sexual endurance. This is helpful for men who struggle with premature ejaculation and women who have difficulty in achieving orgasm. Think of it like resistive breath training, holding the breath to build lung strength. Same, same or similar, similar. For penis owners, sexual endurance builds as an ability to last longer with stimulation before ejaculating. For vagina owners, it’s a slow, burning build up of sexual tension in the body, which helps slow things down for a concentrated experience rather than one that is rushed. Think about concentration, where performance is reinforced by practiced technique. The recognition of ever increasing sexual tension helps during arousal, pushing many women over the edge instead of being stuck and not progressing. See? Crossfit for the bits.
It might be helpful here to explain the four steps in arousal: Excitement, Plateau, Orgasm, and Resolution or “Come Down”:
Excitement: The start of things. The heart beats faster and blood races around the body. Muscles tense, skin flushes, and nipples may become erect. Blood moves to the penis or clitoris and vagina. The scrotum tightens and the vagina gets wet. Excitement builds by flirting, direct touch, smell, even sound. Think foreplay. Bedroom eyes. Soft whispers. An alluring scent. Don’t rush this state. It’s the beginning, but this step is critical. Know what turns you on… and off. If you have a partner or lover, ask some questions and find out the same. Don’t assume. Lots of talking and communication before sex will ensure that this stage does its work in preparing the body for sex.
Plateau: Excitement and intensity build in this stage. “Feel good” hormones, like oxytocin (sometimes called the “love hormone”) and vasopressin, are released from the brain. The penis and clitoris fill with blood and become engorged, erect. Yes, you read that right: the clitoris becomes erect. Stimulation, mental and physical, during this building stage brings the body ever closer to orgasm. In the car example, the top or peak of the hill is the plateau before orgasm. This “edge” is where you want to slow down or ease off, especially when applying direct physical contact to the penis or clitoris. In a hand job, for example, this might look like keeping the hand in place on the shaft without moving it. You can keep the holding pressure, but stop moving the hand across the head of the penis or along the length. Depending on how close to the edge the penis owner is, even this pressure could create spillover to climax. In that case, ease up on the pressure and remember not to move the hand.
During the edging slowdown or pause, you might lightly stroke or kiss your lover’s thighs or stomach. This might be done by gentle rubbing or light tracing on the skin. Another technique might be to hold physical contact without movement and whisper something sexy. “You feel/taste so good. I could do this for hours. I love to see pleasure on your face.” If you are edging and pleasing a vagina owner, switch to kissing around the vagina and thighs. The clitoris is much larger than people think with “wings” that extend along the upper inner thigh. You might divert attention, slowly, to other erogenous zones: the neck, ears, small of back. palm, and inside of wrist. The key is not to rush. Do things slowly. The idea is to slow down, to feel and slightly delay pleasure. Here’s an article about the erogenous zones and how to touch them.
When a few minutes have passed and you’ve caught your breath, resume stimulation. Take it SLOW or the peak (and orgasm) will come too quickly. This is a teasing process, delicate and delightful. Partners might moan, make pleasure noises, or buck their hips. Keep the pace unhurried. You don’t want to race the finish until you’re ready.
Orgasm: When edging, this is the stage you try to avoid until you and your partner are ready. An electrical storm happens inside the body as nerve and muscle tissues fire and contract. Happy hormones released by the brain during the excitement and plateau stages flood the system. These hormones, like oxytocin and pain-relieving endorphins, help create a sense of happiness and wellbeing. As a result, the body is flooded with pleasure.
Orgasm often results in ejaculation of semen for penis owners and an increase of lubrication for those with vaginas. The body may twitch and some people have uncontrollable vocalization and/or facial expressions (the “O” face). It is important to note the difference between orgasm and ejaculation. Orgasm is the peak of sexual tension and release. Ejaculation is the physical release of semen. It is possible, then, for men to have multiple orgasms (sexual releases) but only one or two physical ejaculations. Both women and men can have multiple orgasms.
Resolution or “come down”: After orgasm, the body begins to calm. Tissues shrink and begin a return to pre-arousal state. The breath and heartbeat slow, and skin loses its flush. And something else happens during the resolution stage: the refractory or “bounce back” stage. This stage is a period of time, varying in length, where the sexual organs take a breather, so to speak. For penis owners, this might look like a flaccid member that is unable to stiffen. For vagina owners, the refractory period might be oversensitive body tissues or nothing at all. Some women do not experience much of a refractory period.
Resolution is the perfect time for cuddling, soft talk, and gentle touches. You might talk about things you liked, or you might not talk at all. Some people, men and women, experience such a physical release during the resolution stage that they fall asleep (“sex coma”). Others may experience a small surge of energy as they bask in the bliss of neurohormones that continue to be released from the brain. Each person’s body is unique, and each person experiences resolution uniquely.
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The long and the short of it is this: Edging extends the intensity of the last two stages (orgasm and resolution) of arousal, making for a more pleasurable experience.
But… isn’t it bad to masturbate? As a child, you may have been told this, and some people still believe it. Let me address this concern head-on, so to speak. Not only is masturbation a common activity and perfectly normal, it is a safe way to explore your body and learn about pleasure.
Everyone deserves pleasure, whether you are with another person or flying solo. And if you are in a partnership with someone else, you should be able to communicate what feels good to you and what you like. The only way to know this is to explore yourself first. It’s important to learn what feels good to you; what you like and don’t like; how you liked to be touched, where, and how often.
Other benefits? When you masturbate, your body has more of those happy chemicals floating around the bloodstream… which is also a good thing. And for penis owners, frequent ejaculation may be good for the prostate. Science shows that men who have more frequent ejaculations (21 or more a month) show a decreased rate of prostate cancer over those who came less frequently.
There aren’t many negative side effects of masturbation, despite myths or what you may have heard. You won’t go blind, like Grandma Jean said. And you won’t grow hair on your palms, as Uncle Louis warned. Relax, Baby Bear. You want the right amount of self-love, not too little and not too much. There’s a sweet spot, really, and you need to find it for yourself. While touching might help premature ejaculation, an excess might result in a difficulty to ejaculate or achieve orgasm (too much of a good thing). And excessive masturbation could possibly harm relationships and other daily activities. Everything in moderation, even moderation. So, if you have the occasional fap-tastic kind of need, go for it. Just remember to stay hydrated. Lol
A suggestion for daily masturbation and/or partnered sexiness: change things up. Keep it fresh. You don’t want to get caught in a rut when it comes to sexual arousal. Keep your neural pathways busy with an assortment of sexual excitement. If you always watch porn when you masturbate, you could condition yourself to it. If you always cum in the bedroom, your brain is more likely to become hardwired to that location and that location only. Keep it spicy: watch porn one day and read erotica another. Masturbate in the shower and turn on your lover in the kitchen. (Psst: Don’t forget the whipped cream!) Alternate stimulators: fingers and toys and your mouth. Explore and be adventurous.
Lovers, don’t settle for boring. You deserve better than that!
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