Dear Anita,
What do I need to know about bondage?
--Fit to Be Tied
Dear Fit to Be Tied,
What a great question! But let's not race ahead of ourselves. Before we talk about bondage, we should discuss BDSM, a mixed initialism for bondage and discipline (B/D); dominance and submission (D/s); and sadism and masochism (S/M). I know. That's a lot.
In short, BDSM is consensual play between adults that has elements of the above: bondage, dominance, dominance, submission, sadism, and/or masochism. Even saying this is building too small a box for the expansive subculture and community of players. The range of practices that may or may not be considered BDSM varies according to who you ask, so really... in an effort to be inclusive and not overly defining, I may be adding to your list of questions about BDSM. It might be easier to give a few tame examples.
Example 1: Your lover blindfolds and ties you up with restraints (silk ties or handcuffs), traces over your curves with a feather tickler, and then worships your body with kisses and oral sex.
Example 2: While taking you from behind, your lover pulls your hair. And oh, does it feel good!
Example 3: Language. You and your lover have negotiated, special language for the bedroom. You might want to be address "Sir," or "Madame" (I resemble that remark), "Master," or something else. This naming is particularly common with a Dominant/submissive dynamic. Language could also refer to dirty or aggressive talk relating to sex: "Call me Daddy, you little slut."
Example 4: Your lover wants to be tied up with rope and drizzled with hot candle wax.
Example 5: Your lover is your submissive, wears a leather collar but not much more, and does whatever you tell him to do... in the bedroom or outside of it.
Example 6: You like when your lover bites you or uses a flogger when you've been "naughty."
Example 7: Being spanked or having your nipples pinched sometimes (or always) turns you on.
These are just a few examples. Believe me, there are lots of opportunities to express yourself in the BDSM realm, ranging from tame to anything but. Lovers are limited only by their own imagination and agreed upon boundaries.
But let's get back to bondage. This subset of BDSM usually refers to tying, binding, or restraining with ropes or other ties/techniques. Bondage might be a part of foreplay, the lead up to sex, or it might be a part of the sexual act itself. Bondage can even be the main act, the whole enchilada, if you will, which replaces sex entirely. It depends on the couple or group.
An important part of bondage is that one person is restrained by another, which sets up dominant and submissive roles. The dominant is the one tying, binding, or restraining. Dominant is usually capitalized and often shortened to "Dom" or simply "D." The submissive is a consensual partner. I cannot stress this enough. If the submissive does not agree to all parts of the sex act, it is not consensual, and all activity should stop (see *Note below). With this agreement, the submissive takes the passive role and agrees to be tied, bound, or restrained. Submissive is usually in lowercase, shortened to "Sub" or "s." In other words: Dom/sub or D/s.
Something else: Wherever you fall on the "It's crazy, kink, or kinda fun" continuum, we should remember not to judge others. What happens in the bedroom belongs to the individuals there. It's not anyone else's place to mandate what happens, as long as there is adult consent between the parties involved.
Now, where did I put that blindfold?
xxxooo
--AT
Note: Consent is sexy! Make sure all parties have an open and understanding conversation *before* engaging in sex acts, including bondage or BDSM. It's helpful to set up a "safe word" so that your partner knows you need to stop. You might even negotiate stoplight words: a "green word" means go ahead, don't stop; a "yellow word" means caution, an indicator to slow down; and a "red word" that indicates stop.
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